Drive a mile in my shoes...

I had actually had traffic as a speaking point in another soon to be published post, but then I realized that there was too much vital material and visuals to have this topic attached to another post. It needed its own.

First, I feel the need to explain to you that I have not, nor will I ever, get behind the wheel of any sort of vehicle as long as I’m here. That would be catastrophic for everyone involved. There is no place in India for “normal” driving. It would be hazardous to your health to follow normal driving rules. There is only one person I know that I think might have a good time driving in India, and that is my co-worker Blake Brosa, who will update his Facebook status while driving bragging how fast he is making the trip. He would fit in well.

 I have a driver, Shyam, who picks me up in the morning and waits at work until it’s time to leave. Basically he takes me anywhere I want to go at any time. It’s nice, not going to lie. I wouldn’t have lasted 3 days in India if I didn’t have a driver. But even with a driver, the experience is that bad that I feel the need to tell you about it.

When I first got here, it easily took that prize as my #1 hated thing about India. I’ve gotten used to it somewhat, but it’s still terrible. Really I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s start with the infrastructure. The way I like to explain it is l could give my 2 year old nephew a piece of paper and a crayon, tell him to scribble for 2 minutes, and what resulted on that piece of paper would be a more coherent system of roads than what Bangalore has. There was absolutely zero city planning done whatsoever. That’s probably the root cause of the whole thing. That and the fact that there is 8 million people trying to get somewhere, all on no more than 4 lane roads.



FML



Next is the variety of “obstacles” found on the road. Notice I didn’t say automobiles, or even modes of transportation. Obstacles. Mopeds transporting families of 4, fruit carts, water buffalo pulling carts, tractors, cows, donkeys, oxen, stray dogs, tuk tuks (auto rickshaws), people, traffic cops (not sure what they actually do except stand in the middle of the road and blow their whistle), just to name a few, are all very prevalent on the streets. That’s just on a normal ride into work. That’s in addition to the hundreds of different kinds of cars, trucks, vans, motorcycles, and other kinds of “normal” modes of transportation. Everything is seen as an obstacle that you have to try to get around as quickly as humanly possible. When everyone is stopped at stoplights, the motorcycles and mopeds are weaving their way through cars, sometimes driving on the sidewalks, to get to the front of the line for when the light turns green. At a long traffic light, there could be a pack of 20 or more two wheeled vehicles that made their way to the very front.

Tuk tuk = Death Trap

Water Buffalo = Obstacle

In Kansas, when you use your vehicle horn, you are more than likely saying hello to someone on the road or standing in their yard. In Minneapolis, if you use your horn, it’s probably because someone just did something that they shouldn’t have done that angered you. In India, you use your horn for everything. Drivers keep one hand on the wheel and the other on the horn. It’s a turn signal, it’s a way to tell someone you’re behind them and to get out of your way, it’s to alert the guy pushing the fruit cart that you’re coming and you’re not going to slow down, it’s a way to alert other people of your presence when you’re driving in the opposite lane. I heard more horn honks my first two days in Bangalore than I have heard the entire rest of my life. The sad thing is I hardly even notice it anymore.

Lights aren’t a given at night on the streets either. It seems that Indian drivers only use their lights when they feel like it. Some will just be driving down the road at night and turn them off willy nilly.  I asked my driver once why he shut off his lights, and he said it was as a courtesy to the other drivers coming the opposite way. So they don’t have lights shining in their eyes. Huh? Isn’t that what low beams are for? Plus, I’m pretty sure the word courtesy doesn’t belong anywhere in a conversation about India traffic.

What are those lines painted on the roads? In America, we know them as lanes. In India, they are more a suggestion to be ignored. Drivers will cram into any space possible, even if it’s detrimental to their overall position. If there is a tiny space on the left side of the road you think you can squeeze into, you honk your way up there, even if you need to turn right in 50 meters. It’s mind boggling. There are more side mirrors knocked off from unnecessary squeezing into spaces than there is during a snow emergency in Minneapolis.

On what level is this a good idea?

I’m not someone who gets sick very often. I haven’t vomited since “the Great 823 Case Race of ’06”. But my first couple of weeks, I felt like I was on the verge of hurling every time I got in the car. It’s constant accelerating and slamming on brakes.  In between speed bumps, it’s a drag race to the next pot hole where they slam on their brakes 10 meters beforehand and slow down just enough to not rip off an axle. The most stressful parts of my day used to be the ride in and the ride home from work.

Forget about taking public transportation. Bangalore is about 20 years behind on that, too. They are finally building a metro system, but only have one small stretch of it completed and it doesn't go anywhere that's beneficial to me. Buses are ridiculous. People pack into every square inch of those things. When you can't pack one more person in, you hang off the back or out the doors. Maybe even sit on the roof. Not joking.


I'll take the next one, thanks.

 Somehow I’ve gotten used to it all. There are still times where it irritates me, but like many other things in India, you learn to live with it. I can even read a book in the car now, which makes the trips go faster. I don’t really notice the constant braking unless we have to lock ‘em up. Apparently Shyam is a little wilder than the average hired driver. I’ve been told that by people who have ridden with me. But if we leave the same place at the same time as someone else, we will beat them to the destination 99% of the time. I don’t know how the drivers can know where they’re going all the time, but mine has never been lost (that I’ve been able to tell)!

I do know this. After my experiences here, I will never ever ever ever ever complain about traffic in the U.S. ever again. Ever.